Here at Big Tobacco, we've been in business for hundreds of years. It's no wonder the tobacco industry rakes in millions of dollars every year...with that kind of commitment to our customers, they know and understand that Big Tobacco will always be there for them, ready with another satisfying cigarette at the ready! It is solely because of our dedication to our customers that they keep coming back, year after year. Because Big Tobacco loves you!
But recently, several changes in our industry have threatened the positive relationship between big tobacco and its customers. These issues have become a cause for concern. A new upstart, the Electronic Cigarette, threatens the well-being of our storied industry. Without a multi-million dollar manufacturing infrastructure behind it, who can say whether these untested devices (which were invented in China, by the way...the same people who brought us poisoned dog food) are what YOU should be smoking?
We think they aren't, and we want to educate YOU about the dangers of electronic cigarettes, so that you as a consumer can make an INFORMED choice about what you put into your body. As you may know, the FDA is currently considering regulation of electronic cigarette devices. Kudos, we say! You can always depend on your friends at Big Tobacco to help you out and inform you that traditional cigarettes are the BEST choice for smoking today. Because Big Tobacco loves you!
So, what makes electronic cigarettes worse than Hitler? Here are a few things you probably didn't know.
Nobody knows whether or not e-cigs will cause health problems. Just because it hasn't been proven doesn't mean it's not true! Who knows WHAT will happen as a result of inhaling all of these FDA approved ingredients and a small amount of nicotine? No one in the electronic cigarette industry seems to want to come clean about exactly how bad these things are for you, and to us, that just seems like a cover-up. You'll never find your friends at Big Tobacco pulling the wool over consumer's eyes*. We tell you up front the side effects from smoking traditional tobacco. Hell, we put it right on the label (although that's just a worst case scenario). We do this solely because we at Big Tobacco can be trusted to always be truthful and honest with our customers, just like we have been for centuries*.
We CAN say this with absolute authority: 100% of people who try an e-cig in their lifetime will eventually die. With odds like that, who wants to play around?
Electronic cigarettes originiated in China. Let that sink in for a minute. Think about all the stories you hear about what's REALLY in the food at a Chinese restaurant. Now, are we saying there could be pet parts in your electronic cigarette? No, of course not. But at the same time, we can't help but notice that not one representative of the electronic cigarette industry has ever DENIED the presence of cat parts in their products. And not one study has been done to absolutely rule it out. Again, it's an issue of trustworthiness. Would you want to buy a product from an industry who engages in such shifty avoidance? At Big Tobacco, we can GUARANTEE that our cigarettes were NEVER made with ANY cat parts*. We're the only smoke that's "Guaranteed 100% Cat Free"*. Try to find an electronic cigarette to make that claim! You can't.
Electronic cigarettes are made to tempt children. They're made in all sorts of different flavors. Think about it. Only children would want to experience flavors like Blueberry, Raspberry, Peach, Mango, Apple, Grape, Cherry, and other flavors*. Adults NEVER care for flavors like this!* Except when drinking alcohol, then they want it. But, it's okay, because fruit alcohol flavors never tempt children*, while fruit e-cig flavors ALWAYS tempt children*. That's why the FDA didn't find it necessary to regulate fruit-flavored alcohol - fruit flavors in alcohol are A-OK...when kids sneak alcohol, they always go straight for traditional unflavored hard liquor and beer, and never wine coolers or flavored vodkas or other drinks with fruity, kid-appealing flavors*. Unless you put them into a metal device with a battery in it, then they go crazy for that shit*.
Electronic cigarette formulations are exactly like anti-freeze. One of the principal ingredients found in electronic cigarette liquid is propylene glycol, while one of the principal ingredients of anti-freeze is diethylene glycol. See the key word there? GLYCOL. Both anti-freeze and electronic cigarette liquid contain the word GLYCOL, therefore they are exactly the same*. Isn't it obvious? Everybody knows that anti-freeze kills dogs.
Electronic cigarette liquid contains dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO). Another key element in both anti-freeze and electronic cigarette liquid is dihydrogen monoxide. Dihydrogen monoxide is a colorless, odorless substance that can literally kill you when inhaled. In its gaseous form, it causes severe burns, and in its solid form, prolonged skin contact can cause severe tissue damage. It is regularly found in cancerous tumors. It's so dangerous that, when some metals are exposed to it, they corrode! Imagine what it does to your lungs! For more information on DHMO, check out http://dhmo.org/. While it's true that DHMO is used in the growing of tobacco, we carefully extract the majority of the DHMO from our product before shipping it to you. We can guarantee...a smoker will NEVER die from exposure to DHMO in our products. Because Big Tobacco loves you!
No one has ever quit smoking using electronic cigarettes. It is commonly thought that people use electronic cigarettes to quit, when in fact there is not one documented case of this happening*. The plain truth is, when people quit smoking, it is always for one reason: the last cigarette in their possession goes out. When a cigarette goes out, it doesn't produce smoke. The person therefore stops smoking, and without buying another cigarette, they continue to refrain from smoking. Notice that nowhere in this description is an electronic cigarette even mentioned. How stupid would it be to try to put out a real cigarette with an electronic cigarette anyway? No one does that. Most people, in fact, use something like an ashtray or the bottom of a shoe to quit smoking (although why anyone would want to is beyond us). The fact is, you have to have three elements to produce smoke: oxygen, fuel, and spark. Any one of those three runs out, the person automatically will quit smoking, at least for a time. If they can't get cigarettes, for example, in the Sahara Desert or on Mars, then that person will have effectively quit smoking (we don't recommend this). Electronic cigarettes having NOTHING to do with this process, and the e-cig industry just needs to shut its filthy whore mouth and quit lying about people using e-cigs to quit.
The facts are clear.* E-cigs are probably the deadliest product known to man and have no viable use. Just because no death has ever been attributed to them doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. So just sit back. Relax. Let the FDA rid us of these dangerous and annoying electronic cigarettes. And while you're at it, enjoy another puff of tobacco smoke, the way nature intended. And when you're finished, come back for more. We'll always be here, ready to feed your delicious addiction. Probably for the rest of your life.
Because Big Tobacco loves you!
*DISCLAIMER: Some of the facts expressed in this article may not actually be facts. Please realize that Big Tobacco needs to keep you as a customer, so although healthier alternatives may exist, Big Tobacco will use the FDA in August of 2014 to crush those new technologies with blatant crony-capitalism. Because money. Neither FDA nor any tobacco company was involved in the writing of this article. This article is satire, and is not meant to be taken literally, no matter how accurate it sounds.
